Chapter Fifty-Two

He closed his eyes and let the last chords that Richie strummed settle, he didn’t ever want to say goodbye to Callie. All that sat where she’d been was an empty chair. Panic rose in this throat as the lights faded for the next song. He strode across the stage and into the wings, “Callie?” Where had she gone? Was it too much for her? He knew he’d been pushing but he didn’t think she’d run before he got a chance to talk to her.

He dived out into the corridor. “Callie!” Only the janitor with a tatty mop littered the hallway.

“Jonny,” a hand on his shoulder spun him around. He lurched forward and shoved Doc against the wall. “What the fuck did you say to her?” An angry tear hit his hand.

“Nothing! She’s gone I just saw her—she said not to tell you.”

He bunched Doc’s shirt tighter, “and you didn’t stop her I bet,” he snarled and Doc’s eyes widened.

“Jon, it wasn’t like that, let go of me! This wasn’t me. She wouldn’t have stopped for me, of all people.”

He shrugged Doc off and stepped back. “She can’t go—I have to tell her---fuck!”

“Jonny, you can’t up and leave a show like this, wrap it up, you’re three quarters through. Do the hits and then go—but you can’t just walk out.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he hated that the fucker was right.

“Fine!” He marched into the backstage area and stood on the wing. For the first time he could remember, he didn’t want to go out on stage, he didn’t want to choose finishing the concert over finding Callie before she left him. He growled and pounded his fist against one of the beams, the heat zinged up his arm.

“Fuck!”

“Jonny—what are you doing?” Richie hissed as the David kept building the keyboard introduction. The crowd hummed, they were growing restless.

“I’m coming—I-I,” Dammit. “Count me in, I’m ready.” Damaged hand and all.

He grabbed the mic and he sang the damn songs, he sounded like shit and he knew it. Each lyric, each word was like drawing blood from a stone but he got there. The second the lights blacked out, his feet were pounding down the corridor and out of the stadium. He had to find her, he didn’t care how, he had to.

“Jonny!” The screams split the air as the group of girls thundered towards him, damn he hadn’t banked on that. He spotted the taxi and jumped in breaking all held records of taxi hailing. The taxi driver recognized him and pumped on the gas. He yanked his hand through his hair, please still be fucking there. Please.

His right hand throbbed as he made his way through the hotel lobby and up to her room, he had to make her listen, leaving without her knowing how he felt wasn’t an option. He pushed her door without knocking, blowing out his breath to the empty room. “Callie?” God, no—she couldn’t be gone. The urge to shove his clothes in a bag and follow her back to New Jersey bubbled inside of him.

“Damn.” The wind whistled in off the balcony, whipping the curtains around the open door. He peeked out the door and swallowed down the relief in his throat.

“Callie—“he whispered. She stood with her back to him, her arms hugging her body tightly looking out to the twinkling city lights of the city.

“What do you want?”

He stamped down the need to go to her and settled into one of the chairs. “Why did you leave?”

“I should have never come here Jon.” He wished she’d turn and face him, but as long as she was talking he could wait this out.

“Aww Callie. You know this means everything to me.” He rubbed his hands up his arms,

“you mean everything to me.”

“Don’t—Jon just don’t.”

“That’s why you left wasn’t it?”

“I don’t know---I don’t know anything anymore.” She sniffed and his stomach sank. It ripped him in two that she was crying over him, again.

“Callie—listen to me.” He rose out of his seat and came up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist, she stiffened but he didn’t let go. “Callie—will you let me talk?”

“Why?” She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand but didn’t wriggle out of his grasp. He buried his face into her shoulder, taking in the sweet smell of her hair.

“Because you are worth it. I need to say this, once and for all. I’m not letting you go until I do. Ok?”

Her silence let him continue. “Callie—this whole thing has been fucking crazy, right
from the beginning. We never planned the marriage but we made it work—ok,” he took a deep breath. “I pushed you into it—and I’m sorry about that.”

“I didn’t stop you, did I?”

“Would you have? Callie-you couldn’t even stand up to your father, if I’d known that before I made you agree to it—I wouldn’t have done it. I was so fucking angry at Doc for thinking he had the say and control over what I did---sad reality is he does in some form.”

“You can change that.”

Ironically they both shared the same issues with control on different levels and he knew ultimately that’s what made the connection between sizzle. He was used to not sharing his concerns about his career, taking the load on his own and dealing with it. Callie came along and slotted in without ever being asked and until then, Jon never realized how much he needed someone to.

“You’ve already given me the tools with your arrangement with Doc. I can never thank you enough Callie, you kept on giving and all I did was shit all over you.”

The harsh reality of it burned in his gut, this girl had done wonderful things for him when he was down and out, and all he’d done was treat her like a second –rate groupie.

“It wasn’t meant to be a real marriage, I was the fool for thinking...thinking it ever could be Jon.”

He squeezed her tight and winced, his hand still tender. “No you didn’t, I’m a jerk
Callie. I thought I could have it both ways, keeping Doc happy and having you, without realizing I was hurting you every time. I did hurt you didn’t I?” Fuck he hated to fail and he hated to let those close down. He’d failed himself and he’d failed her.

The eerie silence between them made him nervous. “Yes, you did.”

“Tell me—I need to hear it. You need to tell me how much I hurt you Callie.” He nosed her hair away from her neck and pressed his cheek against her skin.

“I can’t,” she choked. He was the biggest asshole in the world right now, a little selfish—he should let her go like he did before, but he wouldn’t. Not this time.

~

Callie curled her fingers around the railing. Jon was holding her so tight she couldn’t breathe, he was always so overwhelming. Hot tears splashed against her skin, she wanted to walk right out of here and give him up—but she realized in the middle of that song she couldn’t and that scared her.

She was in denial if she tried to admit that over the last ten months she was happy without him, sure she loved her study –but she’d thrown herself right in and with her father’s extracurricular jobs she’d had no time to think. Part of her knew that’s why she didn’t complain, part of her wanted to bury the fact that her chest ached every time she thought about him. His passion, his brutal truth to her situation had attracted him to her little by little until she was head over heels.

“Tell me. I need to hear it.”

He was warm and his spicy scent enveloped her. “I hated you at first—but a small part of me liked the fact we were pissing off my father. You made the decision for me, it was easier to lean on you. I should have stood up to him a long time ago.”

“Keep going,” hot lips kissed her neck sweetly.

“Then after I got to know you, there’s this fire inside you Jon. And it’s addictive to those who crave the same fire, I wanted what you had.” She should have had what he had a long time ago—but she’d fallen victim to family binds and emotional blackmail. She blinked away the rain. “We should go inside.”

He hooked his thumbs inside her waist band. “No, stay—keep talking I don’t give a fuck about the rain it can piss down.”

She swallowed the growing lump in her throat. “I know I said I wanted nothing more and I wanted you to publically keep your own perks less public.”

“And I didn’t do a great job of that did I?”

“I tried to keep telling myself I was just angry—angry that you weren’t respecting me. But over time, it was because I was jealous. I wanted to be them.” Christ—she hated how honest he was making her be.

“On some level I wanted them to be you,” he whispered. “They meant nothing to me—it was just sex. It doesn’t make it any better but it was...not like our connection, those nights in Florida, blew me fucking away.”

“Then why did you continue to screw around behind my back?”

“I didn’t want to think I was in love with you—I wasn’t prepared for it. I wasn’t prepared for my feelings for you.” The roar of rain along with the ache of heart buckled her knees but he held her up. “I fell in love with you and when that girl, “she rolled her lip under her teeth, the urge to lose it was about to win. Sobs wrecked her throat, “she told me she knew about our marriage arrangement. I felt like everything I thought we had—was thrown back in my face.”

“I’m sorry—I’m so sorry,” he murmured against her shoulder.

The city became a blur and her insides ached as she let ten months of hurt pour as freely as the rain. He gently turned her and his arms sucked her in She held on, held on for her life.

He held her until her sobs became hiccups, her vulnerability should have killed but she felt safe. He tilted her chin to meet his gaze, his eyes glassy and sad. She reached up and swiped her thumb across his cheek. She had missed his strength, he gave her strength, and he gave her a reason to get up in the morning and be the woman she wanted to be.

“Can you ever forgive me?”

The heartbeat hit her knees, she wanted to say yes. “I don’t know. God—I miss you.”
He brought her mouth to his and backed her against the rail, cupping her face. He pressed his forehead against hers, her head was cloudy and her knees weak.

“I need to show you how much I love you, will you let me?” Her face still in his hands, she nodded.

“Yes...show me.”